the things that moms just know….
the boy with his spoon in the loops mumbled something this morning that sounded like a family of mmm’s had gone out to the carnival, climbed onto the bumper car ride, and rumbled their way through the course.
mmm, mm m mm mmm mmm mm?
“oh,” said i, “you want some orange juice?”
he nodded, then swallowed.
not thinking another thing of it, i opened the fridge, reached for the carton and poured.
he, though, looked up from the page where the sports scores are duly recorded. he had that curious look in his eyes.
and that’s when he did what he so often does; he broke open the ordinary, caused me to stop in my tracks, to pause, to ponder, to pay closer attention.
he said, simply and not simply at all: “i have a question. what are some of the most interesting things that moms just know?”
he fielded the question as if moms were a species unto their own. as if he were there at the zoo, peering in from the far side of the bars, and i was one of the slow meandering mammals, one of those big furry cats, perhaps, pacing purposefully back and forth in my concrete-floor rectangle, looking out at the crowd, plotting somehow, as i always imagine they do, those poor cats, how to break out of that measly four-walled existence.
my little one, the one with the loops back in his spoon, continued on with his morning query: “i mumbled,” he said, “but you knew exactly what i meant,” he explained of the motherly feat that had captured his attention.
“what are some of the really abstract things that you know? the really abstract things that you know about me?”
ah, yes, the mother, Mater omnes sciens, mother all knowing, as the latin scholar would say.
apparently, to the sweet child, it appears that without trying, without elaborate control board and dozens of criss-crossed wires, i mysteriously, and on occasion, pull out my invisible magnifying tool, peer deep into his cerebrum, and divine all sorts of nifty things. say, that it’s breakfast time, he’s been snoring all night in a stuffy little chamber of a room, and he’s developed a thirst for the drink he downs each and every morning, give or take the ones when something more tempting — say, pineapple juice — is there in the fridge. he wants me to pour, voila, a shallow glass of OJ.
to the child, apparently, this appears a motherly trick of pure prestidigitation.
the child, apparently, has no clue that we live and breathe, some of us, to map out the swath of their landscape. they have no clue that as they shovel pasta tubes into their mouth, we are studying their sweet little face, reading between lines, on patrol at all times for sparks that might be smoldering there in the forest. or that we are searching, as they roll through the door after a long day of school, for the slightest telltale flinch, the mere suggestion of a clue that this was a bad day, and we are here, all but tied up in apron strings, the living-breathing emotional-rescue machine.
the child, apparently, has no clue that his entire life long we have been listening, listening intently. we have felt the piercing upon impact of certain words as they simultaneously hit our eardrums, and zing straight to our hearts. they have no clue that we have powers of instant memorization, that we tumble some lines, the occasional shard of a word or words, over and over and over in our minds that don’t cease, don’t know from the pause button.
and thus, whereas we think nothing of reaching for the drink that they drink breakfast after breakfast, or smearing the same old peanut butter onto the bread that he happens to love more than any, there stands a chance, a slim chance, that the child on rare occasion looks up from his daily existence and catches a glimmer of the miracle that is having someone who loves you, someone who knows you so intently, so deeply, that she is able without vowels interrupting the string of consonant sounds, to decipher just what it is you desire.
and, without you even saying a word sometimes, she is able to tiptoe into your bedroom at night, on just the right night, and she knows to slip under the sheets, right beside you, and start making those circles on your forehead, the ones that you love, the ones that make you let down your shoulders, your worries, after a long hard day. and she knows, without you saying a word, just when you need her to ask, “so how was your day, sweetie?” because she might have asked that question a dozen times already, but it’s at bedtime, it’s there in the dark, when the words serve to uncork the deep heart of the matter.
mamas know those things.
they do if they are listening, if they are paying attention. if their own hearts are still enough, if they’ve spent years deep at work practicing the art of those things that mamas do and know and say and understand and feel through and through.
that’s how mamas acquire what to a little boy spooning loops might seem like a list of abstractions. like how a mama knows by the way a boy bites at his lip that he’s just a little bit nervous, or that when he hops a certain way on the ball field it means he is quietly proud of that ball he just caught tight in his mitt, or how she knows — not because it’s abstract so much as highly particular — that he likes his cinnamon sugar sprinkled right up to the edge of the buttered toast, and he doesn’t like the butter in unmelted lumps, thank you.
because, in the end, mothering is all about the particulars.
mothering, at its best, is the art of paying pure attention.
of knowing, for a good long spell of years anyway, the unspoken landscape of the unfolding child. because, after all, we start out this adventure from the very beginning, from before when the words come. so we’ve had years and years of filling in blanks, from reading the particular shrill of a cry, from feeling how the little one kicks his legs against the wall of our womb, and later on watching how he does the same there on the stretched-out blanket.
i like to think it’s my job to be a high-sensory detector. to discern the interior dialogue, the one of his heart, before he’s learned the words to put to that script. if i know to ask the right question, if i can lay out the word choice, the possible phrase, then he can begin to pluck from the choices. he can begin to gain fluency in honoring all the feelings that bottle up inside. i can be his guide in the language of self-expression.
and i can be the one who knows that first thing in the morning, when he needs to race to the bus, a mouthful of OJ is just the drink to sweeten, to douse, his dry little throat.
no miracle there from my perspective. but the miracle is, from his, there is.
and those are just some of the things that mamas just know…..
what are some of the abstract things that you just know about the people you love? and how did you learn them?
BAM! This is gorgeous. I needed this in my day today, and did not even know it…..mmmmmmm,mmm,mmm. Love you and your writing. It always goes straight to my heart.
bless your beautiful heart, sweet heart. i love the sweet miracle of words finding their way to just where the hunger stirs….
Lovely thoughts. But I have to say it also reminds me of how little we know our boys sometimes, and they us. Like the time that Alex (when Teddy’s age) finished unloading the dishwasher and turned to his mom, Kathleen, and grumbled, “And just what do *you* do around here?”
“because, in the end, mothering is all about the particulars.
mothering, at its best, is the art of paying pure attention.”
Therein you capture the best of mothering. I wish there were a motherhood award so you could win it. You are such a treasure.
As for abstract things… I know precisely when my husband is at his wit’s end … when moving his elderly mother from Cincinnati the year we married, I was driving the rented moving truck behind the car where he was driving his mother. Through the window, I could see as his hand reached behind his neck to fuss with the hair at the nape of his neck and without hearing a word, I knew precisely what was going on …
ah, nanc, there are no awards but there are prizes, and i have two of them, and the beautiful thing is all the other mothers who know they too have the prize.
as for your abstract thing: i love the picture, and i love that from the driver’s seat of the truck behind the car, you could read through his back window and your windshield and see plain as day what was inside his heart at that moment.
thanks for always coming to the table. bless your heart. xox
Being a mother, mater, parental unit… leads one to see the world inside-out and upside-down, as you move from the perspective of “grown logic” to “kid logic” and back. Often children, in their simplicity, remind us of all that is good in creation…walk slowly, speak softly, give hugs, love deeply.
Oh but the child in us would give the world a hug; We need one, and this is the gift that being a Mom has given to me, love unfolded, crinkly-wrinkled and pressed-down five measure…A great harvest of love in the seeds cultivated awhile ago. 🙂 Happy Parenting.