all at once
before i was barely awake, before i’d lifted that first cup of wake-up to my thirsty lips, i was reaching for the red-polka-dot binder that has long been my guide through days like today.
after 20 years — that’s 20 passovers and 20 high holidays, 20 purims and 20 briskets with latkes aplenty — i’ve stuffed so many road guides into one fat pocket, that all i need do is flip to the itty-bitty tag marked “jewish holidays” and a whole chorus of voices rises up, whispers, cajoles, reminds, takes the pan from my hand and shows me the right way, her way, of course.
oh, there’s grandma syl in there, and audrey, my adopted jewish mother. there’s jan’s mom with her working-girl’s-guide-to-making-a-seder. and harlene’s mom with her now famous brisket. why, the whole los angeles times test kitchen is stuffed in that slip, weighing in with their rendition of noodle kugel, though not the one i’ll use today.
i’ve got the rabbi’s wife’s gefilte fish, step-by-step on a yellow legal pad, back from the day i spent at her side in her kitchen, sloshing and dunking those fish balls just the way she instructed. and, scribbled on a paper napkin not too many pages later, i’ve got the matzo balls that ina pinkney, one of chicago’s great jewish mamas, insisted, in her much-above-the-din stage whisper, would keep my hubby happy forever. so far, so good.
they are my chorus, my girls, my back-up squad, there for me every time i, irish catholic as the day is long, tiptoe into the kosher kitchen to make like a bubbe.
and today, the climb is a steep one. i’ve got to crank out a kosher-for-passover kugel for 10, one that calls for farfel, 6 cups, doused and swimming in 6 cups hot water. mind you, i’ve never touched a box of farfel, let alone taken it swimming.
but i’ve got to get it all done, signed, sealed, awaiting delivery, by noon.
because today is an all-at-once day of supreme proportion.
in addition to being the first night of passover, it is the somberest day in my book: it’s good friday, and i am biologically wired for silence from noon to three, when the sky will go dark, will rumble, when the whole world — just watch, i always tell my boys — will weep for the long-ago death of jesus there on the cross.
it’s a full plate today, yes indeed, and right through the weekend, as the holiest of days unfold flat atop the retelling of the exodus, the action-filled story of moses leading his people — our people — out of egypt, across the red sea and on into the promised land.
it’s a story whose retelling for more years than i’ve been married has pulled me to the tables of crowds now synonymous with the seder. i’ll be back at the seat at the tables where i’ve sat single, and newly engaged, where i was a new bride, then a pregnant one, and, for all the years after, the mother of one boy then two who were growing up as i now am: weaving their jewish and catholic stories into one unbreakable braid.
but, far back as i can remember, the first night of passover hasn’t fallen on what we call good friday, a name that always prompts my boys to ask, “why is it good if jesus died?”
good question; one, like so many, that’s hard to answer. but when you raise your children jewish and catholic you get used to that; there are many good questions hard to answer, so you get used to thinking aloud.
fact is, i’ll be scrambling all morning, groping my way through this roadmap of a recipe for johanna’s farfel-soaked noodle kugel. it’s a recipe that melts me into a puddle of kosher-for-passover butter because, without even closing my eyes, i can see my little one, his arms still chubby in that baby-fat way, reaching across the table, grabbing for the spoon, because it was perhaps the first exotic thing he ever loved. and, oh, he loved it. and after so many years of watching him love it, spoon it high onto his plate, and gulp it down, i finally managed to get the recipe from johanna. and today i tiptoe into the land of farfel.
it’ll be out of the oven, if all goes as planned, by the time the clock strikes 12.
that’s when i’ll be up in my window seat, with all my holy books spread around me.
already i am achingly missing my usual companion in that sun-soaked window nook: for all of his high-school years, my firstborn joined me, though it never took long for him to slide down under a blanket and doze, while i drank in the stories, retracing the stations of the cross, jesus’ long cruel walk to calvary.
but we were together, he and i in silence, and even though my open wounds of missing him have healed over plenty, even though i can get through a week without hearing even a syllable of his voice, today, in the silence, i will miss him.
i keep saying — and it’s true — grief is like that. for long unbroken spells of time, you’re just fine, used to someone you love no longer being around, but then, out of the blue — a sound, a smell, a thought — it hits you like an anvil over the head — or is it the heart? — and there you are oozing in the wide-open emptiness that just might swallow you whole.
might be fitting, come to think of it, that on this day of remembering — remembering the exodus, remembering jesus’ last hours, and most of all his last gasp of holy forgiveness — “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they are doing” — i should spend a solid few hours aching for my faraway firstborn son, as i absorb once again the afternoon of shadows.
and then, well before sundown, i will slide my farfel-soaked kugel off the counter, and carry it back to the passover table whose story i now know by heart.
it’s the way i’ve come to know it on days like this, all-at-once days, guided as ever, by my chorus of cooks stashed there in the polka-dot binder.
here’s all i managed to scribble, on a pink sheet of paper, marked “Johanna’s Kugel”:
6 cups farfel
6 cups water, soak up &…[i am giving you these notes precisely as i scribbled them, thus you can see the holes in my roadmap]
6 eggs — beat 1st, then add
2/3 c. sugar
2/3 cup brown sugar
3-1/2 t. cinnamon
1-1/2 t. salt
9 Tbsp oil
mix. bake 350 degrees. 35-40 minutes.
and now, you too, can swim in the land of waterlogged farfel
how will you spend these holy days?
Oh, oh, oh … how I wish I had spent those three hours with the holy books. Instead I was cursing the IRS trying to work through the quarterly reports. I am ashamed to say it.
Tonight at church, the children read the scriptures, and at the end of each passage, one would carry some symbol out of the church. The banners. The bread and cup. But when she took the Bible off the lecturn and held it high as she carried it out, I cried. No. Everything else, but not that. Not that. I felt bereft, abandoned … which was the point. Jesus, alone, abandoned, separated from his father. Anguished.
Tomorrow we shall gather for a vigil in the sanctuary, quietly, with only chanting and prayer. Our hearts shall ache until Sunday, when we shall meet him in the garden. Praise be to the Holy One, the G-d of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob … yes, Jesus, and us. Amen and amen. Blessed Passover, dear bam. Happy Easter.
nanc, that sounds like an achingly beautiful ritual, the carrying out of all that makes a church a church. and we are left alone to carry what is church — what is holy — inside us. and there, over these days, are the seeds of aching.
i am about to head outside into this glorious morning with my shovel. i have a motherlode of organic compost and my gardens are so hungry. a perfect backdrop for a day of quiet contemplation.
This is wonderful writing and feeling. A friend referenced on facebook and so I arrived here. I shall try to spend some time in holy books while I prepare desserts for the Easter dinner tomorrow.
Gethsemane is where I am now. I mean my heart rushes there to the One who actually sweat drops of blood. But the greatest thing of all is the empty tomb. That’s where my victory is. God bless you bam and friends…xox