that one brave thing (an update)…
by bam

illustration by Antony Huchette, for the New York Times Book Review
just a quick middle-of-the-week update from the courage department…
not so very long ago, i wrote here about trying very, very hard to be brave.
these are some of the words that tumbled straight from my truth-telling heart:
i forget sometimes that i can be brave.
i sometimes think the countervailing forces of the world — the ones that whisper to me that i’m not good enough, don’t belong, won’t pass muster — they’ll knock me down. buckle me at the knees.
…i sometimes think of myself as a chicken. a wimp of the first order. i keep watch on folks who look to be brave, and wonder, “how, oh, how do they do that?” here’s a secret: sometimes when i talk to them, when we both unfold our hearts, i find out that they’re just as scared as i am, but they shush away those nasty whispers. or march headlong into them, never minding the awful bluster.
of course i have to remind myself — over and over and over — of that little truth. that the courage to face fears is sometimes simply plugging your ears to the noise, and deciding to hum your own little courage tune.
and just in case, i’ve come up with a back-up plan, or maybe it’s a fortifying plan. it’s modeled off the vitamins of my youth. it’s the one-a-day plan. one brave thing each day. that’s it.
i understand deeply that the trail up the mountainside comes one footstep at a time. no one’s taking giant leaps for womankind. they’re taking normal human strides, one foot in front of the other, and suddenly they’re at a point that’s halfway up. or nearly at the top.
it’s the one-brave-thing plan. i muster as much courage as it takes for one bold move — sending off the email that makes me quiver in my clogs. making the scary phone call before my voice gets caught in my throat. taking five deep breaths then plunging in.
here’s what happened the day i took a deep breath, and mustered all my courage:
Boyhood on a Shelf, April 9, 2017, New York Times Book Review, page 13.
thank you, and thank you, dear mother courage.
i’ll be back, as always, friday morning. it’ll be hushed because, for me, it’s Good Friday, that day of sacred silence from noon till three bells, the hours of the Crucifixion.
delighted to hear if your courage took you to any heights of which you’d only dreamed….
Beautiful!
Happy Holy Week and Happy Easter, Barbie!
MDP
Sent from my iPad
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thank you, dear MDP! you too….may your sacred silence break into triumphant joy…..
Great congratulations! I’m right there with you in the scaredy-cat department. You give me hope!
Mary >
the only reason i circled back was to whisper, “it’s possible.” it only took me six decades to see this one dream come true…..xoxoxoxoxoxox my hope and prayer is that all of us scaredy cats can join hands, inhale courage, and take our mighty leaps! and be here for each other no matter the landing!!!
OMG! The NYTimes Book Review! Congratulatons, darling and have a blessed Holy Week and Happy Passover. You are so brave and brilliant.
you should have seen how much i was quaking — upon learning the news!!!! we don’t take these things lightly, those of us trying mightily to muster that sweet dose of courage. my favorite part is that it was an essay launched by my firstborn and those blessed hours we spent with his bookshelf……(i actually started to write it for here, my beloved chair, and then that flicker of courage darted past me and i reached out to grab it before it fleeted away…..) xoxoxoxox
Yaaaaaaay you! Yeah and Yea!! You know what they say about that “impossible” word … even it says “I’m possible!” xoxo
Oh my! I hadn’t heard that! I figured every once in a while we need a happy ending here at The Chair!
Bless you all for holding my wobbly hand. Xox
bam, I remember the earlier draft that went out by mistake–it moved me so, after boxing and carting off my own childhood books before the estate sale, that I tucked it away in my email archives. Had no idea it was for NYT–and, of course, I haven’t gotten to the Sunday papers yet. It is an even finer piece now. One of your finest, in the opinion of this bookish girl. NYT recognized it too. Heaps of congratulations. And much love.
Ahhh! That’s really funny! That darn thing escaped from its holding pen in a one-minute getaway! (I grabbed it right back, and put it under careful lock and two keys!) It was months and months ago, and a first-draft version. I’ve been patiently waiting ever since, afraid to believe till I saw it with my very own eyes…I must say the Times editors are kind as could be — and soooooo smart!
Dearest Bam- I have been without a computer for many months (thankfully…) and am finally receiving emails again. What a joy, a surprising-yes-I-can-believe-it, she’s written her heart again-joy! So, I have just ordered a lovely hard cover book and will pass it on and on.
You never tell us how to feel or what to see…you show us your heart so we too might be en-couraged to acknowledge our own and let it feel enormously brave or, as Zora Hurston says- “Love makes your soul crawl out from it’s hiding place.” To me, that’s you- Love that coaxes our souls. God knows how you helped mine to come out from hiding, I wish you great thunderous hurrahs!
OH!!! dear dear true wonder! i feel as if i’ve clicked my heels and here you are! i’ve missed you! my heart is melting over here. i have been thinking and thinking of you — and just last week made a slide of the beautiful tribune page that was a mosaic, really, of photos of you on the farm, and beau’s picture too was tucked amid the mosaic. i made the slide and included it in a little slide show i made as preamble to my Motherprayer talk. i’ve woven you into the gallery of profiles of courage, mothers whose hearts have been stretched beyond measure, whose griefs have been nearly insurmountable, and yet you’ve marched on — sowing beauty into this earth, into the hearts that surround you. i melt each time the slide is shown. i will send it to you by email. but here it is, the dawn of holy thursday, it’s raining steadily, and out of the blue, my true wonder appears. a holy day, indeed. xoxoxoxoxo
(for anyone reading along, true wonder is the pen name of the blessed mother and farmer whose story is found in Slowing Time, page 110, “Resurrection Farmer: On Harvesting Wisdom.”
“…a mother who turned to farming in the fallow years after the death of her firstborn…”
the essay ends with this line: “And on this farm, this resurrection farm, the deepest grief gave way to something lasting, something beautiful. Proof that holy earth births undying promise.”
true wonder, indeed.
xoxox
I’ll never forget that last line, makes me tear up every time, for it is true though not just for me but I suspect for anyone who needs such resurrection- it is in the dirt.
( The book has shipped- cannot wait to hold it in my hands, out there in the hoop house, quietly taking your heart in again, page by page…what a gift. ) Peace to you and yours.
sending love beyond love. and i want to send you a little bookplate for your book. will email you for address. xoxoxo peace to you and yours, too.