brace yourself, baby…
by bam
waking up to a wind chill of -6, gliding into my fleece-lined yoga pants (yes, they make them!), my chilly thoughts turn to someone i’ve come to love dearly who is, for the first time in her california-girl life, waking up to this subzero shock to the ol’ ticker. she moved to these parts just as the october winds were picking up, and she thought that was cold! best i can think is: at least it’s not an earthquake. but i figured i owe her a welcome-to-deep-freeze, the chicago version of winter.
dear california girl,
um, welcome to february. bet you didn’t even know there was such a thing as a polar vortex. well, glide open your sliding porch door (if you can dislodge the ice and the snow jamming its tracks), stick out any limb you’re willing to sacrifice, and voila, that’s what the vortex feels like, that’s how cold it can make your blood run.
so, given that this is your first round of the deep freeze we call chicago, the goosebump capital of the midwest, i figured i might pass along the few things that i’ve learned over the years here on the tundra.
first, forget sleek silhouettes. we’re going for bulk here. we like to dress like we’re walking, talking bed pillows. the more layers and fluff we can stuff round our parts, the happier we hum (see “dress union suit” above). extra credit if you can see someone’s eyes. we are big believers in total occlusion of all open face parts. just cover ’em up with whatever might stretch over your head. big socks work in a pinch. but around here, we stock up on headgear with nothing but peep holes. think golf club covers, maybe minus the super-size tassel. COVID masks have nothing on us. we’ve been in the face-blocking business since, well, far back as i can remember. (note: that reminds me, sometimes the cold numbs your brain. just go with it. your gears will warm up again come the fourth of july.)
on the subject of sleeping, we look to the bears and their habits of hibernations. we find it’s important to stock up on lots and lots of berries before gliding into the caves. but instead of berries, plucked off the tangles of bushes, we cruise the grocery-store aisles, foraging wildly for sugars in their un-natural forms. cookies, crackers, whole tubs of häagen-dazs; these all do the trick. we recommend hauling a cardboard box to your bedside; fill to the brim. this way, once you slide under the layers (more on that in a minute) you’ll not have much of a reach should your very cold tummy start to growl like a grizzly.
now, about the bedclothes (see note no. 1: “we’re going for bulk here”). we find it helpful to mound the blankets as if it’s a snow fort, only it’s mohair or wool or your old girl scout sleeping bag. we recommend staying under the covers as long as you can. there’s really no need to expose yourself to the harsh assaults of a cold trip to the bathroom when winds are howling like sirens just out the windows that shake. (note we did not use the Q word — “quake” — because that is a word that belongs to shakier parts of the continent, specifically the state that was yours. again, we pride ourselves on our relative stability here in the land of no nonsense.)
things to do in the arctic: here, we narrow the lens. fact is, there’s a lot you won’t want to do. you will not want to step out the door. so that lobs off a long chunk of the list. you might try turning pages, as long as you’re wearing mittens with lids, a novel invention that allows you to flip back the mitten tops and wiggle your pinkies whenever you must. i’ve heard tell that jigsaw puzzles are fine for a long winter’s nap, but it’s noticeably nettlesome to doze when a runaway piece is lodged under your bum, or stuck down by your toes under the bedsheets. perhaps that’s why some choose to set up their puzzles on a card table shoved next to the bed. daydreaming, i find, tends not to tax. all it involves is pointing your eyes on some wayward spot on the wall, out the window, or up on the ceiling, and then engage in a thought and see where it travels.
should all this well-padded exertion begin to make you hungry for things not stashed in your cave, you might try the polar vortex diet. this involves high-carb fare, mostly smothered in cheese. why do you think the swiss of the alps invented fondue? and look north to wisconsin, where it’s taken as fact that you make it through winter with barrels of cheddar. if you glance over toward iowa (that’s the square of a state just to the west) you’ll discover that they deep-fry whole sticks of butter. again, this makes chicago’s deep-dish pizza (protests late night’s jon stewart, “it’s not pizza, it’s a casserole!”) look svelte and quite chic.
my short list is drawing to a close. fact is, the vortex won’t last forever. and i’ve shared all the basics: wardrobe, fuel, and diversion. mostly, just tough it out. it’s where we here in the middle lands get all our muscle. we’re a somewhat lesser species than those of the arctic circle, and we’d collapse in the tremor of earthquake, but when it comes to facing into the wind howling off the great vast lake, we’re sturdy as they come.
and no richter scale needed.
love, the bundled one
let me know what i’ve missed of the must-know and must-haves in the vortex survival guide. your input, always essential.
just decided to drop a little mac-and-cheese recipe, though the trouble to make it might make you wanna wait till the vortex is lifted. this, from the pages of Stillness of Winter, the beribboned little book i birthed this fall…
Cure-All Mac and Cheese (aka Vortex Survival Fare)
When the bee stings, or the homesick blues need quelling, this oozy spoonful of deliciousness belongs in a mama’s tin of kitchen cure-alls. It’s the ubiquitous remedy at our house for any ailment in the book. (And one or two make-believe ones, besides.) And it’s just what the doctor orders for frosty-cheeked rascals fresh in from the cold.
Provenance: Gourmet magazine, May 1995
Yield: Serves 8 children
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
3 1⁄2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1⁄2 teaspoon paprika
3 cups whole milk
1 teaspoon salt
3/4 pound pasta, tubes or wagon wheels or whatever shape suits your fancy (a tube—penne or rigatoni, among the many—fills with the cheesy sauce and makes a fine, pillowy bite)
10 ounces sharp cheddar cheese, shredded coarse (about 2 3/4 cups)
1 cup fresh bread crumbs, coarse
1⁄4 cup (or more) Parmesan shavings
Preheat oven to 375 degrees Fahrenheit and butter a 2-quart shallow baking dish (the broader the crust, the better).
In a 6-quart pot, bring 5 quarts salted water to a boil for cooking pasta.
In a heavy saucepan, melt butter over moderately low heat, and stir in flour and paprika. Cook roux, whisking, 3 minutes; then whisk in milk and salt. Bring sauce to a boil, whisking, and simmer, whisking occasionally, 3 minutes. Remove pan from heat.
Stir pasta into pot of boiling water and boil, stirring occasionally, until al dente. Drain pasta in a colander, and in a large bowl stir together pasta, sauce, and 2 cups cheddar cheese. Transfer mixture to prepared dish. Macaroni and cheese may be prepared up to this point 1 day ahead and chilled, covered tightly (an indispensable trick when confronting a serious to-do list for a day of, say, birthday or holiday jollity).
In a small bowl, toss remaining 3⁄4 cup cheddar with bread crumbs and sprinkle over pasta mixture, topping it all with a downpour of Parmesan shavings (a heavy hand with the cheese is never a bad thing, certainly not at my house where my boys insist I do so, preferring their cheese to supersede bread crumbs).
Bake macaroni and cheese in middle of oven for 25 to 30 minutes, or until golden and bubbling. Let stand 10 minutes before serving. At last: dig in.
I’m all about the footwear. My must-haves are warm cozy socks indoors and warm sturdy boots outdoors. I think I’ve had the same boots since 2007 for a reason – frozen toes are the worst.
oh, geez! good point! how oh how did i overlook those tootsies! california girl, please NOTE! haggsclan knows of which she speaks…..
HH, bam, Chairs, which brand boots? My olds are recycling fodder (no longer fit), so would love a recommendation! Thanks!
my old north face ones split at the toes, which didn’t stop me from wearing em. but i finally — after two years of boots that looked bitten at the toes — got new ones and love. they are, of course, flannel and fleece-lined (we love our F words around here), and i can slide in and out of em, although technically they want to be laced and unlaced, which i don’t really like. note: they run tight so you really do need to order a half size or more up from your usual, a note i had not seen till my too-tight first pair arrived. these are them, though i don’t roll mine down, and unrolled they hit maybe mid-shin….https://www.thenorthface.com/shop/shoes-womens-boots/womens-shellista-ii-roll-down-boots-nf0a3uzz?variationId=KX7
I have an old pair of UGGs – not the standard kind. They are higher up on my leg. They are fleece lined and oh so warm. They are not good for water!
Toe Warmers – a brand from Canada
During the polar vortex, the oven should be cranked up and you should bake! This, I know, is an extension of the high carb diet mentioned above. Yes, baked mac and cheese is great! But also cookies, cakes, cupcakes, breads, anything to heat up the kitchen due to the heat of the oven. I’m planning on beer bread for our very small, 2 person, Super Bowl party on Sunday. Not sure what 2 people will do with multiple loaves of beer bread, but we will find out!
oh, i am guessing you will find plenty to do with that bread. and yes, your instructive to bake is taken to heart. i see some chocolate chips that do need a home. xoxoxoxoxo
I stay cozy indoors all winter in my trusty velour lounging suits. Fashionable? Oh, I think not. However, velour is lush and warm, and each of my velour jackets has a hood. When I’m cold, up goes the hood and soon I’m as snug as a bug in a rug. If I’m extra cold, I brew scalding hot peppermint tea and curl my fingers around the cup. Also, I snuggle with our little furry kitty. And I throw out extra birdseed so the birds in their down jackets and the deer in their deerskin hides can fuel their inner furnaces. xx
you have lulled me into your cozy cocoon! oh, i remember how cozy our kitten used to be, especially when he’d sleep on my toes….
bless you a hundred thousand times for your kindness to the wild things….xoxox
Barbie you can make people laugh! Starting with me!!!— Brace Yourself Baby is hilarious! Out loud I laughed! Ironically, I’m IN my first brace yourself winter since 1983. (‘84 through ‘20 lived in the Arizona mountains where the low humidity takes the bite out of 10 degrees Fahrenheit).
Idea? Make your book 5 a knee slapper!! You have the eye & ear for it!!! Expand the brand?
I love every word you write!
you know, i thought of that, too! that this is YOUR first polar vortex in a thousand years, and i swear they are colder now than they used to be…..
you are so so sweet. love love love you. xoxoxox
Going against current here, although, I have publicly declared on countless occasions I will never live south of the Ohio River, because I am a lover of winter. Inside. Outside. I love winter in all kinds of ways. Since inside has been so throughly covered above, here are some tips from one who loves the outside in winter.
1) Enjoying winter is about the gear – dress for it and embrace it!
1B) No piece of gear in any item of clothing will meet all your needs. Multiples are necessary. See below, under BIG Hat.
2) The cold wind on you cheeks is refreshing, and no need for manufactured blush.
3) There is nothing more exhilarating than a walk in the cold. I myself just returned home from an hour long walk through the neighborhood. It was 12 degrees when we awoke today, somewhere around 18 -20 degrees on the walk. Refreshed for the day!
4) Boots – yes. Uggs ONLY for inside wearing or going to the mall. Not only do they get wet FAST, they also have zero traction. Lots of good options out there – waterproof and good traction are key. Do NOT buy duck boots or anything with a bad sole. You’ll be on your tush in seconds. Learn to carry an extra bag to haul your shoes around in.
5) BIG Hat. Forget your hair. In winter, no one cares. They will admire your hat more than your hair. Actually, multiple hat options are recommended to build your winter wardrobe. My super cold day hat – perfect for polar vortex. A cold day hat – say high 20 degrees to somewhere in the 40s. Ear muffs for chilly but don’t need full hat (my ears are very sensitive). Etc. Multiples of each are encouraged – who wants to wear the same old hat every day.
6) Mittens are warmer than gloves for walking. Mittens and gloves are useful for different purposes. If you venture into various fabrics for gloves, the options grow in ways you couldn’t imagine.
7) Fleece neck gators are a terrific alternative to scarves.
8) BIG, LONG Coat. At your knees is a good choice. Recommend something with a degree rating – fleece, down, and down alternative are all words to search for in the product description. I have a “big-ass” coat with hood from Lands End (very affordable options). For maximum warmth, my personal opinion is that any wool coat fails the test.
9) Detachable hood on big-ass coat is a big bonus. If it is windy, you can pull the hood over your big hat for extra protection.
10) A walk by The Lake is amazingly beautiful in the winter!! You’ve got Michigan, I’ve got Erie. To view the ice covered piers, rocks, lighthouses, and whatever else is in the water’s path is a sight to behold. Nature’s beauty at her best. The ice is so hard, smooth like glass, frigid, yet there something delicate about ice covered terrain as well.
Enjoy!
Brava! A symphony to answer a tune! Thank you for this encyclopedic and convincing ode to the outdoors in winter! The ice is my main deterrent, though I do own those clip-on I w breakers, Trax, or some such. As I type, I am treading the basement mill, but I mighty just hop off and hit the slicks. Your fortitude is inspiring. And your waxing eloquent, a delight.
@BAM Yes, the ice underfoot is definitely not lovely! The shine we must train our eyes to catch is an unwelcome winter guest. Stepping carefully over the black, unseen, glassy patches waiting to bring us down. This time of year I often have to step off the sidewalks and onto the snowy parkway/strip between the walk and road. Just last week, I was on my bum in a wink of an eye. The other BAM and I talk frequently of our “aging bodies.” Yaktraxs are definably in our future! $20 bucks on Amazon. Be safe out there!!
On sunny days, I follow the sun. it’s beginning to intensify a bit and a ray that shines through a window is actually warm again! Nothing like a hot cup of coffee, something to read, a woolen blanket over my lap and legs, stockings pulled up to my knees, slippered feet tucked inside where there’s lots of fleecey warmth, and the sun shining on my face. I’ve been known to read indoors during this time of year with sunglasses on just to take advantage of that sunshine.
Of course, if the sun isn’t shining my answer to the cloudy chill is in the kitchen! First comes the coffee (herbal tea as the day goes on), then the oven gets preheated for some delicious sweet treat to enjoy with that late afternoon steaming mug of aromatic deliciousness, by now the kitchen is warm enough to set some bread to go with a pot of stew or soup or Dahl for dinner. I love it when my honey comes into the kitchen from his “office” with cold “mouse hands” (as in the computer kind) just to warm up and fill his senses with what is swirling about the kitchen.
But the best medicine for the cold winter blues and shivers is to go outside and enjoy the season. It is beautiful in its own way and can be embraced and enjoyed as long as one keeps moving and is appropriately dressed. “There’s no such thing as bad weather, just bad clothes.” This advice hails from the Scandinavians who know a thing or two about being comfortable outside in all kinds of weather! So I say, get outside and listen for the songbirds, notice the tiny footprints in the snow and learn who’s outside with you, enjoy the crunch of the snow under your boots, be amazed by the glitter of the snow and the blueness of the shadows, listen for the running of water off warming roofs and down downspouts, watch the ice cycles grow and glisten, feel the sting of the wind on your cheeks so that when the winds of summer blow hot and humid, you have something to compare them to.
love this, “follow the sun.” that seems to be what i do too. start out at the kitchen table before dawn, move into my writing room with giant south facing window by mid-morning, and here i stay til the streetlights come on again. love the scandinavian wisdom. might you reside in one of the mitten states? i know the answer to that. you’re right: there is so much beauty to behold out there. soon as i finish writing, i’m heading back out. xoxox