strong women: a reflection on mothering
the church i most call home — old st. pat’s in downtown chicago — the one that long ago told my beloved mate and i — he, jewish, and i, catholic — that “it’s the same God. different language. go for it.” and that has blessed and been home to our two boys, raised at the front lines of the jewish-catholic dialogue in a sunday family school that steeps jewish-catholic children in both their faith traditions. that beloved church asked me to step to the altar last night, at the annual mass for mothers, and speak from the heart, to give the meditation after communion. the theme, simply: strong women.
so pull up a pew, and listen in. this is what i said, huddled behind the lectern, tucked alongside a great tall statue of the blessed virgin mary (who i believe kept my knees from shaking, and whom i nearly knocked over with one of my sweeping broken-arm gestures. egad!), with a barricade of trumpeting potted easter lilies rising in a thicket between me and the flock of gorgeous women who filled the pews. with one deep cleansing breath, here goes:
I think maybe I thought it was going to be like babysitting. Only without having to peek out the window to see if the grownups were pulling in the driveway. And without having to race around the house — in the two minutes between the crunch of the tires in the drive and the turn of the key in the back door — hiding evidence of the pillow fight that made the little darlings — oops! — an hour late for bed.
And, maybe I thought, when it was your turn to be the grownup, at least you got to pick the names of the little rascals you’d be watching.
For the next 20 years. And then some.
Nope, no one could have truly clued you in, into this life leap that catapulted you into motherhood. No one could have sounded loudly enough the early warning system. No one could have made you believe, no matter how many times they whispered it in your ear: This will be the hardest wholesale rewiring of who you thought you were in the world. And it will test your every instinct for survival, for faith, for long-distance endurance.
Fact is, you were hardly alone — though you might have felt you were stranded on a godforsaken island — when, in those early days, you were totally flummoxed by the wee swaddled bundle, the one who weighed in at less than a sack of flour, for crying out loud (oh, and, yes, it did that too — cried out loud. Till you were certain the cops would be called, and you’d be revealed as not-ready-for-licensing in the maternal department).
Who would have feigned surprise, if, once or twice — or 100 times a week those first couple weeks — you’d strongly considered returning said bundle to the delivery room that delivered that babe in the first place?
After all, in the deep darkness of those late noisy nights, you’d figured it out, hatched your escape route: Come the next inky twilight, you’d just mosey back to the maternity ward, drop the squawky bundle at the nurse’s station, attach a post-it note that read something along these lines: “So sorry. This is way more than I ordered. You really should find someone better suited to the job. I’m afraid I’ll break/scar/ruin (insert your own disaster verb here) the little sweetheart.”
But then, in the next instant, when those matchstick-sized fingers curled into the fleshy folds of your neck, or clung to your breast as if you were the life raft (which you were), or when you inhaled a whiff of that newborn baby scalp, or marveled at the chubby thigh that was dimpled — and delicious — from the get-go, you surrendered all over again.
You felt that hot streak of mother love rise up from deep down inside, and you knew — even though you had not one clue how — that you were in this for the long haul.
And: There is no turning back.
No turning back from the toughest job you’ll never get fired from. Even when you swear to your best best friend that you really blew it this time.
No turning back from the job that promises to test all the parts of you that you were proud of, and all the other ones you’ve always known you were sorely lacking.
No turning back from the closest you might ever come to knowing what it means to be the first-response rescue squad, to save the gosh-darn day (even if all that means is that you find the lost cellphone just before you toss the dirty jeans into the sudsy washtub). To be the one and only who can soothe sobs, make the hurt go away, quell the queazy tummy.
Here’s a little noticed omission: If you flip through the dictionary, and dawdle in the M’s, you’ll find the definition for Motherhood severely lacking. You’ll find no mention of the resilience that’s required, or the capacity for your heart to triple in size, exponentially, year after year.
You’ll find not a word about the long nights of courage when the little numbers on the thermometer keep rising, and all you can do is walk in circles, draw the bath, climb in and pray.
You’ll read nowhere about the cavernous hours you spend pacing as the minute hand on the clock ticks round and slowly round, until the click at the door — the one you begged the heavens you’d hear before your heart pounded through your chest — the click finally comes.
You won’t see mention of the tossing-turning nights, the ones when you lie awake, playing and replaying the playground scene, the one your little one tearfully spilled into your arms, as you tucked him goodnight and he told you why he can’t go back to school. Ever.
No, motherhood in all its nooks and crannies can hardly be charted for all its dips and inclines, its shadows and, yes, its radiant graces.
To be a mother is to sign on for life. To take your seat in the front row of a love affair — a heart-to-heart entanglement — that unspools from inception, and knows no pause.
Some days, yes, you’ll be the teacher. But, more often, you’ll be the one who’s soaking up lessons you’d otherwise never have had the guts to tackle. And your little person, so often, will be the one who’s spilling wisdom, speaking truth, and doling out humility by the cupful.
Truth is: You thought you were loving to the outer limits of your heart, then, one dark afternoon you’ll never forget, you held your breath for one long hour while the doctor read the CT scan that would tell you if your kid’s spinal cord was severed, and during that hellish 60 minutes you’d already decided, so help you God, that you’d be the one to give him bed baths the rest of his life, and to sit by his pillow reading Hemingway and Twain and Homer and Joyce till the end of time, if that’s what it came to. And when the all’s-clear sign comes, you drop to your knees and swear to God you will never for an instant take for granted the messy kid who cannot, for the life of him, pick up the killer piles off his bedroom floor. And whose beautiful mind is the one piece of him you were not willing to surrender. Not even in your hour of deepest darkness.
And then, too soon, the day will come when you leave that kid on some leafy college quad, or watch her board the flight to boot camp, and your knees will shake, and your heart will feel like its cracking — so much so you’re tempted to drive to the ER, because maybe, you think, this is a real live heart attack, this pain that’s piercing through your chest — and you walk away — more alone than you ever knew you could feel — and you wonder where all the hours went, and if you taught the kid everything you really should have made sure she knew. And did you tell her often enough: I love you, just the way you are.
And you think back over the fevered nights, and the dawns when the retching at the toilet would not end. And the tears spilled over mean words hurled on the playground. And the countless negotiations you endured — bargaining for one more hour before curfew, one more text before lights out, one more bite of broccoli before you’re allowed up from the table.
And you ask yourself — how in the world you did it?
And you take a census of this woman you have grown to be, and you realize who you are is mightier than the fiercest wind, and tenderer than a balmy April’s breeze. You’ve weathered tornadoes of the heart, and sailed on interludes of giggles and long walks squeezing hands.
You’ve stood up to bullies and talked down the coach who tried to cheat your kid. You’ve defended and pleaded and apologized for the wrongs your kid did not intend. You’ve gone woozy when you spied the gash in your kid’s head, and held him down with kisses as they stitched him back together. You’ve melted into tears when the stranger called to thank your kid for sticking up for hers — in front of an entire lunch table, God bless him.
And you’ve gotten up in this blessed beautiful church to tell anyone who’d listen: The holiest job I’ve ever done, the one that soared my heart to heights that I’d have never known, the job that took my broken self and made me whole, it’s the sacred call to mothering.
And it is for the strong of heart. So help us Mother God. Amen.
the boys above, of course, are the boys i so love — a baker’s-dozen years ago almost….
i bring this to the table on one of those days — there are so many, aren’t there? — when it takes every ounce of every strength we didn’t know we have, to be all that we need to be for the children we so love. blessings to all who mother in all and every form…..
quick note: i just changed the title above (used to be “a reflection for mothers”), because i believe in all my heart in the distinction between mothers, a defined set, and mothering, a verb that includes all who mother in all its many many forms. to me mothering means to nurture, to embrace, to scaffold the ones we love, so they can find the wind beneath their wings. men mother. women mother. women of all ages. i’ve seen little girls mother.
so here’s the question: how would you define mothering?
dear bam and all other bold nurturers, my heart leaps to know that when we sigh, laugh, cry and lament about all the ways our hearts are stretched and pulled, we are surrounded by other mothers. I give thanks that we can share the depths of our hearts with one another, whether it is in this space, over a cup of tea, or on a long walk. Blessings upon blessings, as we take steps of courage into each new day that we are called to be mothers
“bold nurturer,” bingo. as always, you hit nails on the head. i’d never ever been bold before. but when you are stepping up for your child — the one you live to protect, to scaffold through the wobbly years (the wobbly years last a few decades, right?) — you learn bold. you live bold. and you discover that mountains sometimes can be moved. put a mountain in front of a mother, and watch her shove it aside.
we DO need to share a space, under the same summer sky, one of these soon-to-come days….xoxo
I love your definition/explanation of motherhood, BAM. As always, you perfectly articulate the joys and triumphs of this life long responsibility. Those at Old St. Pat’s who chose you for the job clearly got the right person.
bless your beautiful mother heart, dear jack.
brava—-there must have been a standing ovation when you finished. that what motherhd is all about—–the worry, the tears, the joy, the satisfaction—–every bit is worth it. L., g
how blessed am i to have the mother of the man i married, grandmother to our beautiful boys, always teaching me — through her words and her acts of love — how to best envelop those i love in all that is good for the heart and soul? xoxox
Oh bam…you just always nail it with your prose and poetry. Wish I could have been there to hear the spoken word. I speak with parents every day about those little moments and big moments. It is tough. I want to design a line of hats and coffee mugs that say “Parenting is not for sissies.” In the end…not one parent is. Love creates the courage to do the impossible. No one can ever define what love means or judge a parent’s love or choices no matter how mysterious. Thanks for sharing your wisdom and words.
“love creates the courage to do the impossible.” amen.
in the sissy line, a dear friend recently leaned in and whispered to me, “this getting old is not for sissies.” and i’ve been chuckling in recognition ever since. me and my arm in a not-sexy black brace. xox
How did you know? Know that I was having one of those weeks when it takes all your strength, when you are proud, frustrated, excited, anxious, juggling? Our eldest moved into his first apartment Friday, ready for his summer internship and college year beyond. You know the life stage! We did an entire childhood-to-independence in one day, from me driving and starting the cleanup, to him guiding me through assembling an ikea desk while I advised him on screwdriver bits and bandaged his finger, to him telling me what he was going to clean next and make for breakfast as he saw me to the door, both of us aching from scrubbing. But now I wonder, does he live here anymore? What does it mean to mother a fellow at this stage? Like all that came before today, it will take nebulous shape. You know.
oh, notherbarb, (what a great moniker by the way), oh the stories you tell, we tell, the knowing and the fumbling and the hoping and the fearing, all rolled up into a single wad of motherdom.
he lives in your heart. that we know. xoxox
And then there they were, words encapsulating the blessed forever of mothering. Toni Morrison spoke to me at the library: “Grown don’t mean nothing to a mother. A child is a child. They get bigger, older, but grown? What’s that supposed to mean? In my heart it don’t mean a thing.”
amen toni. and notherbarb.
Oh Bam, dear, the Lord always sends me to your word when I most need it…
I, a cradle Catholic lass lost my Jewish Husband last week and often I pondered if you and your mate had the same melding that Rob and I came to
know through the years….for our offspring made for me a Motherhood of a
unique flavor and timbre, encompassing not only my better/could have been
better self and his purity of spirit needing little or no improvement…he was,
without doubt, the finest Christian I ever knew. Your description and rendering of the Motherhood theme is spot on and I applaud your candor and
insight. I share the lectern on many occasions and would be humbled if I
could deliver a theme as beautifully as you…..Brava! Brava, dear Friend……
Long may you share and teach!
Love and Blessings ~
oh dear mary, my heart just cracked wide open for you. i am achingly sorry. i have re-read your sentence twice to make sure i saw the words correctly. i want to leap through this cyberscreen and hold you tight. i am so touched that you would come here. i am so sorry for your immeasurable loss.
i’ve long known that you and i shared love of tasha. i did not know how many more layers of history and biography share. i knew we were kindred spirits. bless you so much. i know the WHOLE table joins me in circling round you, and tenderly holding you through the rough and unfathomable patches now stitched through your hours.
love and blessings, indeed,
Bless you all, dear Bam. I can testify that Faith and those who
share it with me have sustained and upheld me in peace and hope.
There is great power in prayer and so culpable has it been that
I am healing and being restored beyond my expectations….
I touch you all with the profound love that makes us Sisters of
Excuse me, Bam, “great power in prayer and so ‘palpable’ has it been” I
must have had mea culpas on my mind……..I mind is still clearing…
Love you with hugs
love the correction. and love the overwhelming power of the healing prayer. “restored beyond expectation.” deeply grateful for that. blessings, dear mary. xoxo