that inextinguishable instinct
by bam
![](https://pullupachair.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/06/img_4502-1.jpg?w=1024)
dispatch from 20037. . .
two dozen years ago, a little guy I loved, a little guy of six, was wheeled down a long hallway to have his tonsils plucked. i walked the whole long way beside his gurney, straight into the OR, where they let me hold his hand till they were ready to send him off to dreamless land. and then, back I walked to wait, eyes awash with tears.
just now, that same kid was wheeled away again. and I, the nurse who flew in from chicago because I couldn’t imagine being even a mile away, was by his side. This time, though, I skipped the long walk, and no tears.
I seem to have been born hardwired to not stay far away, not when someone I love is being wheeled down long hallways, and the day begins at 4:45 a.m.
It’s an urge as irrepressible as anything I know. So much of mothering comes to me instinctively, without the synaptic pause that populates most thought. I leap before I think—leap into the fire, into the deep end, into wherever is the urgency. I don’t know how not to. And, yes, maybe sometimes I’m too much. And maybe I’m unnecessary. Or redundant. But where is there room for redundancy or un-necessity in the chambers of the heart?
Among the breaths of my life that I relish most, being by the side of the ones I birthed will always, always, be my most precious, most savored.
And so, in living my days with all I’ve got, this blessed day, being plopped in this hard chair, in this cacophonous waiting room in downtown DC, is one I will always hold so close to my heart. Truth is, I pray for as many of these sorts of days as time will give me. And as long as I can be there to plant one last kiss on the forehead I have loved since the hour of his birth, I am going to board all the planes, trains, and automobiles to get me here.
And now I’m signing off to keep my holy vigil.
xox
No need for any worries; all will be well here in the nation’s capital. Trust me on that.
PSS my uppers and lowers are a jumble today because I’m typing in my wee phone and can’t stop the gremlins from insisting on at least some proper capitalization.
best of luck out there and in more ways than one…we hope “all will be well” in the nation’s capital. THIS “Pull Up a Chair” is “SuiTabLe fOR fRamINg”…(oF cOUrse I kNow a fRAmer😉).
haha on the uppers and lowers!!!! at first i was trying to read it as if a clue to be deciphered, then i realized my lack of use on the Caps Lock key was being called into gentle ribbing!
i might need to drive a few things up lake bluff way, Mr. Framer!
Hope all goes well. What a crazy few weeks for you all.
panting toward the finish line here. but more than content to be right where i am as long as i am needed.
BAM, keep along with you. 💕
❤ !
I won’t worry as you asked me not to, but I’m thinking of you and Will and sending you both lots of hugs and love! Life has been busy and full for you!! Love you my sweet, Barbie!!
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love YOU, sweet mar. xox
❤️🙏🏻❤️🙏🏻With you both!
thank you, xoxox
Prayers up for all to be successful and well. We mamas are always on call. xoxo
always….❤️❤️❤️
Sending some prayers and good wishes to both of you! Motherig is endless, and I wouldn’t want it to be any other way.
nor would I. I love it more by the year…..
🫂💕🙏
ti shoot shoot shoot! I just remembered I meant to write a special happy birthday this morning to you and the one who hands you the birthday baton at midnight as the 6th turns into the 7th!!
most blessed birthday, beloved!!!
Dear BAM, as Therese of Avila said, “all will be well..all matter of things shall be well.” Know that across the miles I send you sentiments equaling the comfort of warm blankets and cartons of milk.
i love that line so so much. and i love that milk and blankets always bring us back to the beginning again. xoxoxox